Seeing yourself inside out, outside in

So it’s yet another break from the book list to talk about my daughter some more. Of course, she’s the apple of both of my eyes, so she consumes my thoughts quite often. This summer as she gets bigger and bigger, we’ve experienced a lot of firsts. As I mentioned before, she’s been to her first parade. And today, she took her first ‘swim.’ I guess that’s not entirely true because I got her in a big pool last summer a couple of times. It totally freaked her out so we left well enough alone for a while. But today, I pulled out her little baby pool that I inflated myself with all of my hot air and filled it with water.

She donned her first real swimsuit (plus sandals and sun block) and after a quick check in the mirror because she felt the need to admire herself, out into the yard we went. And she LOVED it. She splashed and announced proudly to her dad and grandad on the phone, “I swimming! I swimming!” After playing for a while, she decided it was time to get out and play in the yard. We played on the deck with her numerous outdoor toys. Then, we got out our handy dandy scoops and attempted to play catch with the wiffle ball. Looking at her there with her little swimsuit, yellow baseball cap, and sandals on, I was amazed at how much she looked like me. Obviously, the red hair and fair skin make her look a lot like me. And even though on most days folks say that she looks a lot like Brian, today I think she looked just like me. Not just like the baby pictures of me at the age of two, but what I remember me looking like as a child, from the inside looking out. I looked at her little legs, noticeably still cold from her dip in the pool and noticed the almost transparent skin. Her little purplish veins showing through, it was almost as if I were looking down at my own legs. Poor thing, she has my legs. The small curls beginning to pop up all over her head remind me of looking at my own locks in the mirror. Her eyes, her ears, her nose… remind me so much of myself.

It’s a scary proposition to look at yourself in front of you. In some ways, it’s terrifying to think of all of the roads that I’ve traveled and note in my mind which ones in particular I wish for her not to go down. At the same time, it holds great hope that perhaps I can impart some wisdom to her (if I have any to share) and keep her from the things that have damaged me in this world. What encourages me the most are the attributes (not just physical) that I see in her that I like about myself. Her spunk and free spirit, her independence and believe-it-or-not delicate strength are already showing through even at two. At the same time, she possesses characteristics inherited from me that I do not admire – stubbornness, willfulness and tendency to quickly give up when she does not immediately master a task.

Ahh, the great mystery and struggle of parenting lies in what we wish to protect our children from. For I know that those experiences which I would give anything to shelter her from are the exact experiences that reinforced who I am and gave me direction in my life. They shaped and molded me and while they weren’t pleasant, they were essential. So, as day by day, I face raising my daughter with intense fear and intense excitement, I pray for strength to watch her encounter difficult situations and flourish, not that they would be removed from her path but that she would be changed and grow from them.